Modern Marriages

In October 2023, I hired 2 research assistants in Dhaka to be part of my PhD research team, one of them is Shampa Khanam. I worked with Shampa from October to December 2023, when she learned that she was getting married. It was not a surprise: she had told me that there was some discussion going on in her family and that she had met a potential husband. However, she was left out of the decision-making process and, on a Thursday evening while we were working in the community, she got a call. This would be her last day at work: she was getting married on Tuesday and moving 5 hours outside of Dhaka.

My research is about adolescent sexual and reproductive health and rights, and we focus mostly on child marriage and agency. When she got the call, Shampa told me: “I’m an adult woman with education, an income, I’m independent and yet, I am stuck in the same situation as young girls.” She didn’t mind getting married, she knew it was coming. But how come was she left out of the whole decision-making process? Why was she expected to uproot her entire life without any notice?

Shampa reflected on her situation and she produced the text below.

With all my heart, I wish her the very best in her married life, hoping she will find love and joy.

***

Structural Determinants in Modern Marriages: A Personal Odyssey

By Shampa Khanam

At 28 years old, armed with a degree in Anthropology from Jahangirnagar University, I started my job as a researcher and did many projects with many INGO’s and NGO’s almost three and half years. I embarked on a profound journey, a journey shaped and influenced by the intricate web of societal, cultural, and religious determinants that surrounded me. In this narrative, I delve into the complexities of my experiences, unraveling the structural influences that played a pivotal role in shaping my path toward marriage.

Despite my educational achievements and economic stability, the weight of societal expectations and norms pressed heavily upon me. The pressure to conform to traditional marriage norms intensified when my family, concerned about societal judgments, actively sought a suitable match for me. The burden of societal expectations became palpable, especially when contemplating the impact my decisions could have on my immediate younger sister.

The pursuit of my marriage gained momentum after attending two cousins’ wedding receptions in October. The cultural imperative to settle down clashed with my personal desires, creating a sense of urgency and underlining how societal expectations can profoundly influence individual life decisions. The negotiation of Kabin, a system providing financial security for the wife, further highlighted the clash between societal expectations and individual agency in modern marriages.

Cultural norms, intertwined with familial expectations, played a significant role in shaping my marriage journey. My preference for a simple ceremony clashed with my family’s inclination for a grand affair, showcasing the challenges individuals face in balancing personal values against cultural expectations. Despite my desire for simplicity, geographical locations and societal expectations compelled me to conform to elaborate cultural functions.

The clash of cultural determinants and personal desires became evident as my family organized an elaborate program, spending a substantial amount to adhere to societal expectations of an upper- middle-class celebration. This emphasized the intricate dance individuals must engage in when navigating personal values against cultural norms within the context of marriage.

Religious beliefs added another layer of complexity to my marital journey. My in-laws, despite being educated, adhered to traditional gender roles dictated by their interpretation of Islamic values. This opposition to my desire to pursue a career highlighted the challenge of reconciling personal aspirations with religious expectations. The negotiation of Kabin also revealed disparities, with my in-laws demanding additional gifts beyond the Islamic norm, showcasing how religious beliefs can be selectively applied to serve specific interests.

My narrative serves as a testament to the multifaceted nature of structural determinants within modern marriages. From societal expectations and cultural norms to religious beliefs, the intricate dance between individual agency and external influences is evident. As I reflect on my journey, it becomes apparent that the evolving dynamics of marriage in contemporary society demand open dialogue and understanding. As individuals continue to navigate these complexities, the need for reshaping and redefining the institution of marriage becomes paramount. The call for open dialogue becomes crucial for forging a path that accommodates personal aspirations while navigating societal, cultural, and religious expectations.